Wednesday, July 04, 2001

it appears some of the things i have said in my blog are up for dispute! well i don;t care! i know what i have written in here is true! and the fact that i wrote it down because one person asked me their vote of no confidence hurts! sorry for sharing my thoughts! sorry for r\trusting someone! sorry for being me!
ok my day has been from bad... to worse... to fantastic.. to terrible to very very cold!
I went out to miranda today to see adrian... we talked for a whikle... the was alot of kissing involved (my bisiness!)
little alien friend decided t6o stay home... she's not into the mushy stuff yet :)
i had to catch a train out there defying my mother and father... i spent about 2 hours there.... and then caught the train home... (through redfern... scary scary scary!)
i've done this once before and gotten csught,,, so this was a second offense.... my mum went skitz! she came back from her holiday just to punish me! they forced me to go to my fathers... where i am at the moment,,, but to get here i spent an hour on sitting half in the door of my fathers car and out of it! it was freezing... i was wearing a tank top and my jeans... i froze... they packed up my clothes and cd player and other cvarious junk... and i am finally here... my mother has banned me from seeing or even talking to adrian... and my llife if i ever had one is over!!!!
anyways I'll go into more details later!~!!~!~!~!~!!!~

Sunday, July 01, 2001

this was a gay post so i took it out... sorry guys :(
i've drawn the pic I"ll find a way to post it so you guys can see it.... i've called it my com bat dream...
the entire battle field would have been made out of either ailes of k'mart OR play equiptment ok?
ok i had a really weird dream i just wanna write it down first before i forget it... hehe
(and no little alien is still asleep!)
ok i was at a hospital and something weird happened then i was back in the old time of england and someone was calling for inspector morse... the megan phillips came and she started calling for sherlok holmes... and then the ambulance came again and took me back to this weird hospital... where one of the teachers from my school was te nurse... (i don;t know her name...) but there was orange juice bits all over the floor like someone had spewed on my bed.... and she made me sit in it... and them my grandparents came and got me and we went to a music lesson. except it was really a production... and i was checking out teddy bears.... and then all of a sudden i was in a full scale war with some really weird people and the way to kill them (it was like paintball they didn;t really die) was to take their picture.... except they had eplosives and everything and then it turned into a real war..... and i was really scared... in the middle of K mart we set up a fortress.... and my little sister (who i don't have !)
was sitting out the front of k mart... at a table singing twinkle twinkle little stars...? then they killed her.... and i got really mad but i didn;t want to die.... i looked around... and then i looked up just to see keira and jess sit back down in a secret tower they had made for them selves so they wouldn;t die.... so i was pulling things off the wall trying to find a way to get into the tower....
and there were ways to get into the other sections of our playground fortress (it was made out of playground bits)
i had to crawl un der this netting bit and be completely exposed to everyone but i got stuck under the netting and it started moving with me.... but then i got into this other section... and it was like a square bit... (I'll try and draw a pic of this.... and set it up so you will know what I"m talking about it's kind of confusing) and then andrew cootes came round and put a camera bomb.... (back to camera's...?) and i had to run into this other section quickly... and it was empty except for a tiny little door bout waste height....i did a combat roll through it with a gun (back to guns?) and in there was my own team in a secret room.... and then i heard someone say what was that.... them amanda willet called out it's only cate... then robin williams came roun the corner of all this jungle of play equiptment.... and he said i was close to ordering people to fire....? then all of a sudden i was back in the section where andew cootes had dropped the camera bomb (we went back to camera's here) and i had to ruin away from something.... not quite sure what but i ran down one of the ailses and i ran intoenemy territory.... except there were only aout 7 people there and no-one could catch me.... i kept flashing them with the camera and then they would run away.... but they kept on trying to come back i had to remind them they were dead already...? any dream interpreters out there?? hehe email me at i wanna knw what it all means....
ok now that i have put little alien friend to bed *little alien friend fidgets in bed* keep still little alien! it's bed time for all naughty little aliens! i know your not tierd but go to sleep anyways!
*little alien rolls over and sticks her tongue out*
she can be so naughty sometimes! :)
she dyed her hair pink today... it looks great... I"m working on a way to publish some pics i made of her... (tim a little help if you can?)
ok anyways as i was saying why does love always seem to hae more to do with hate! love is a madness that seems to take over ones body and make you do the craziest things.... it makes you see past the flaws that a guy can have!! (can my ass they do i mean!) it makes you ignore the warning signs they protrude (giuys are so obvious!) you ignore other guys who might be checking you out...(guys donlt check me out.... they pay me out...) anyways... just my little inteligent bit for the day... I'm trying to sound good here peoples! :p
*little alien friend starts to kick the wall cause she's bored*
excuse me i have a little problem to deal with her...
*little alien friend starts to laugh*
alright she got what she wanted I"m going now ok? bye all
luv catiebabes

Saturday, June 30, 2001

why does love always seem to have more to do with hate than with love itself?
i know that sounds like the dumbest think you have every heard but it;s true *little alien friend whizzes past the door riding her little alien scooter* sorry excuse little alien she's in a hypo moood at the moment! "you know mum doesn;tmlike it when you ride the scooter in the house little alien friend!" *little alien pops head round the corner.... and extemds a fist* "oooh little alien your gonna get me i trouble!" * little alien whizzes past door again* grrr she is so rude!
anyways trying to get back to my seriousness but failing!!!
*WHIZZZZZZZ* man she isso annoying!!!
little alien come here for a minute....
*little alien poking head cautiously rtound the corner*
"come in...."
*little alien friend shakes head*
"I'm not going to hurt you.... much...."
*little alien friend comes into room on scooter*
*cate snatches scooter and puts it on shelf*
*little alien friend starts to cry*
SUCKED IN hehehe
ok by now you all thuink I"m nuts.... but ask little alien friend I"m not!!
little alien friend am i nuts??
*little alien friend nods*
why you horrible little ingrate!
excuse me while i beat the vrap out of little alien friend she's so annoying!
love always catiebabes
why is it so many men find it so hard to commit to one single women at a time? do you not get enough satisfaction out of ruining her life you have to ruin some other poor girls life to?! women are human beings to... which is more than i can say for most men! this is a generilisation i know and i can't spell!! but still stereotyping men is a sure bwet because men always fall into 2 catagories! eitherthe first catagory is jerk offs morons dip shits and ass wipes! the 2nd is sweeties cuties friends and humans.... 90% of the male population fall i the the 1st catagory... i only have 2 friends who are guys who fall inoto the 2nd.... tim and phil... they are 2/3 of the best guy friendsi have! coincidentally the third one is adrian... a definate first catagiory contender!
ok listnen i swear this is my last post for today it is like 12am anyways! but i had to write this down while it was fresh in my memory... my brother has caused another of our families biggest fights... let me explain my unique situation first.. i have a mother and a father (DUH!) and a big brother who is 18 in about 1 month...
my mum and dad got married then they had me and my bro... and then my dad decided to be a little raunchy with my mothers best friend and jumped in the sack with her! JERK OFF! (I'm beggining to think all men suck! more than anything!) anyways me and my mummy and brother moved to tasmania... away from my dad in sydney... 9 years later we had a house fire... my dad came down to see us... i don;t know why he came down actually... but my mum and him got to talking and they supposedly fell inlove again... and 3 years later they were married again... I never trusted my father... not for one second... i even told my mother this on several occasions... 3 years after that my brother went to texas for 3 months... in that time i learned of my father cheating on my mother with several different women on several diffeent occasions... i hated him more than anything!! they seperated but did not divorce... this time... my mother had been looking for a partener for a while and she had several duds and finally found someone who she has fallen head over heels in love... I know he is perfect for her and i couldn;t be happier for my mother... i can;t believe she is finally happy... and she totally deserves it!
anyways my brother beats me quite horrendously i have had black eyes suspected broken limbs concussion and i almost broke 3 ribs because he decided to watch me bounce down a flight of stairs... anyways lets just say he enjoys beating me... I'm not exactly sure why it doesn;t bother e that he beats me... the pain is n't that bad and i can deal with that... it;s the fact that he hits me and doesn;t seem to care that he is hurting me... that is what scares me...
anyway that is off the subject...
james cut off the phone while i was on the phone to a friend and he broke the phone... i was so pissed off at him... he had been annoying me ALL night and he wouldn;t leave me alone!!!
he seems to get a kick out of annoying me when i am social... i don;t think he can handle the fact that i have a life and he doesn't?! anyways! peter (mums partner) and my mum came home and i complained to them about him... i burst into tears (i cry over everything i am such a whooose!) anyways peter and james started having this huge convo about what his behaviour wouldn't be tolerated in the real world and the work force and if he touched his wife the way he touches me she would be gone faster that you coul say guacamole (his words not mine!)
anyways my mother comforted me and went to take some sleeping pills... she said to me quite seriously... he's killing me! not the usual way but slowly and stressfully he is dragging me under and I"m going to die because of it! I went to my room after comforting my mother and i could hear peter and james.... peter calmly trying to reason with my brother (hopeless he is almost as bad as my dad... YOU CANNOT REASON WITH MY BRO!!!!!) and my brother screaming and ranting and raving and carrying on about how peter was a moron and how he was threatening him and everything.... then peter said
"this will not be tolerated under MY roof" I don;t know why but peter saying it was under his roof just upset me! it;s not his roof it's my mums mine and james's! I love peter and everything but i just don;t like the idea of him sleeping with my mother and things like that...? am i crazy?!
i swear I"m mentally and physically scarred because of my family... am i doomed to live out my life alone because of the mental scars of my mother father and brother and god forbid PETER?
I'll write more tommoz ok? I"m going to bed now night all
I am 15 and already i don;t ant to fall in love again... is that bad? sorry i have done like 5 blogs today but i just keep having these little bouts of inspiration... :-)
i told a friend that i didn;t want to fall in love for a while... and he said that a great guy might be just around the corner... i told him that if a guy was just around the corner i maintained i was walkin' in circles!
*giggle* man that sounds gay huh? hehe
i actually just realised that anyone can read this and when they do they will know nothing of who i am or what i do and things like that,,, I am a 15 year old female i have red hair... (which i hate) I'm ugly... but i have my moments... I"m extremely insecure... and i liek anyone who will ocmpliment me when i need it... only when i need it! i hate it when people compliment me for no reason! :(
i love getting snail mail... i love getting nice long emails from friends who i love! my friends are the most important thing in my life! and i care what ANYONE thinks of me... and i do mean ANYONE! my worst enemy could call me an ugly scrag and i would care! I'm so dumb! :) i love people who can make me laugh... (not very hard to do) I enjoy talking to people for hours on end about absoloutley nothing! I hate it when guys look at my chest and not my face! (ADRIAN!) and if i ever fall in lov4 again... you ain;t getting anywhere near my pants! :) thanx for listening to me about me! love catiebabes -xox-

Friday, June 29, 2001

"you're not the other whore, you're just another whore... another hobby for a guy like me"
I read this on some guys site on bloggers i was flicking through... it made me think... adrian has this new chick called celeste... he's playing her to... he told me... he also told me they had phone sex... hmm.... interesting... this is gonna sound kinda cray but i am actually jealous of her! this sux! why does life have to be so complicated!!
anyways... i was thinking how i thought i was a slut? well i thought i was HIS slut actually... well it seems he makes a habit of breaking girls hearts... i'm kind of angry at him at the moment but i still can;t stop thinking about him!
this is where the "you're not the other whore, you're just another whore... another hobby for a guy like me"
comes in! check out one of my best guy friends sites its a blogger... and it tells everyone what men really are! i'm pretty sure that is his addy! ok anyways after me and age (adrian) broke up and i forgave (I am such a dumbass!) we talk like every night now! it;s been like a whole month and he still makes me cry sometimes! I cry over everything though... my tears aren;t worth worrying about! I hope the info I gave ya tim was good enough for the story? anyways i liked adrian and i used to drop him little hints that i still loved him... like he would say fuck you.,,, and i would oh so subtley say sure why not? I am the biggest dumb ass! then i stopped calling him so often and he started claling me... i got over him and fell in-like with someone else... now adrian tells me he likes me again! he told me he wants to hook up again! i told him i didn;t know (hook up means do stuff but not go out...) and i just don;t know what to do! I really really really really want to but all my friends are telling me not to! andi know i shouldn;t.... because I"m afraid if i DO do something w3ith him... i won;t be able to stop... and I"ll fall inlove with him all over again! I'm hopeless... guys get me so easily! sweet words nice things... hugs... kisses on the cheeks... and I"m theirs! I really have to learn to control that! :)
this is too complicated to even think about... I"m gonna go now ok?? but always rememeber
"you're not the other whore, you're just another whore... another hobby for a guy like me"
ok word to the wise peoples... blogs go from bottom to top ok?? so if you wanna read my blogs read from the bottom of the page up ok? just so you know how it made sense :)
ok shopping was fun... down to business... the rest of my story.
that night i went out into the kitchen and got one of those knives with the serated edges... i went back into my room and sat up in bed
i was crying so hard it made my chest ache... my eyes sting and my face was saturated. i could taste the salt in my mouth,... but i didn;t care i have every intention of not waking up the next day... i wanted to die.
i pushed the knife into my skin. not so it cut me just so it was on my skin. it was in such a position that i could see my reflection in the knife. i could see my eyes were bloodshot... i hated myself... i remember telling myself in my mind that it would be a good thing to do! no-one would miss me.... no-one would care... no-one would even notice... in a couple of weeks my friends would start asking where's cate... but I"d be dead... I remember screaming "DO IT!" and so i did... i sliced it twice accross my wrist... the blood ran down my arms and accross my lap... i felt a satoisfaction knowing the blood in my body was now in my lap... i rmember feeling at peace as i fainted. the pain was enourmous though... it hurt like hell! i awoke in an ambulance... it appears my mother had been worried about me and knowing my history of unstableness... she came in to check why i was screaming... this was about 2 minutes after i fainted... I went to the hospital and the bandaged my arms tightly... it wasn;t quite deep enough for stitches... but they strapped my arms to the sides of the bed... i could barely move... and for me being a very active person this almost killed me... i wzas allowed to go home the next day... i cried myself to sleep for about 3 weeks...
2 days after all this though adrian caled me... it appears he wanted to apologise... guilts a killer you know? I refused to accept his apologise but deep down i still loved him with everything i had!
I wanted to hate him! I wanted him to feel the pain he had caused me!
but i didn;t tell him about my trip to the hospital... he would feel satisfied i knew he would!
2 days later i was on the phone to him... i learned that he had been lying to his friends and me! he had denied liking me and going out with me to his friends! he had been payed out alot about hooking up with me... so i went behind his back and essaged ryan... telling him that yes me and age were going out... and that yes he had said he loved me... i told ryan everything we had done... just to get adrian back! adrian got over it after about 4 days... he got paid out alot but he told me he was willing to put up with it. i thought he was the sweetest for doing that...
a week after thati was on the phone to him again... and i learned that he had denied everything ryan had said! and that he told all his friends that he had dumped me! i felt dejected and hollow... i felt like his slut! i hun up on him... that's when the messages started.... the first one came over... and it said "hey you stupid fat ranga! did you really think i could possibly like you? i never liked you! i used you! oh by the way your the ugliest thing I"ve ever seen! you are lower than dirt! love adrian!" i burst into tears... about 20 messages followed... all of about the same content... calling me ugly and disgusting... one of the most memorable is the one where he said " I can;t believe i stooped as low as to touch you!" I"m going shopping now... I"ll finish this later ok tim??
the next day adrian called loretta and asked to speak to me... we talked for a while then he convinced me and loretta to walk up halfway to his house... we got halfway and he skateboarded down from his house... he hugged me and said he was sorry for last night... i melted... i couldn;t be angry at him even if i wanted to... we started pashing on the street... and then he tried to get into my pants again... i managaed to keep hi out of my undies... it wasn;t easy though... i had to go...
so i went home... we had a couple of weekends like this... where i would come up... one time he had me pinned on lorettas bed... and had i not had my monthly curse there would have been no way i could have said no to him... I went home after that and i felt so happy... i oculdn;t stop smiling... i loved what i had become... and i loved adrian...
we walked up to his house and we went inside... i lay down on his bed with loretta... he stole my mobile and started reading my messages... i tried to wrestle the phone off of him and he held me to the floor... loretta and ryan (her boy) had left halfway through this because they were bored... we were alone in the room with him on top of me... we started pashing... i tried to pull away but i couldn;t... i was flat to the floor... so i stuck with it... it was ok i guess... i wanted to anyways! :)
trying to get his hands into my undies this is where i got enough strength to say no... i wouldn;t go that far! not when we had only just met in person... i had my integrety in tact... and i wanted to keep it that way... they invited us to the movies that night with age and a couple of his friends and jade aswell... jade was heaps nice to me... i don;t think sheliked me much... but she was still nice to me... the first thing jono (one of adrians friends) did when i got into the movies was yell out "well she has nice tits!" i felt like an object and wished i hadn;t come! everyone even loretta was laughing so i started laughing... and i laughed it off.... that night went from bad to worse... every 3 minutes one of the girls woul get upset and walk out... it was so funny... i only saw about 1 hour of the mexican (the movie) afterwards me and loretta walked home.... not after i said a little to loud... "actually, i wouldn;t do anythihg with him if you paid me~!" it felt good to dog him... but i loved him heaps still
ok so that night i called adrian and asked for loretta... but she wasn;t there... she had lied to me... but anyways me and age talked for a while and we talked for about 4 hours... about nothing really... about his friends... my friends.... my best friend phil... who i used to have a crush on... and i still adore him.... he is a sweetie! :)
anyways pretty muh after that we talked everynight... he gave me his mobile nuber and we SMS messaged alot to... (i found out later his big aim was to run up my phone bill... he was successful... $640... mum was not pleased...) he had free SMS,.... i went to tasmania and camp in between... and we started going out while i was in tassie... i messaged him and called him from my mobile... i had sneaking suspicions he was playing me... but i kept asking him and acting unsure... but eventually i put it into the back of my head... i loved him with everything i had... and i felt on top of the world... like i could do anything... he was my romeo as far as i was concerned... and i was hoping beyond hope that i was his juliet... i went to a camp... a week long one with loretta... and i went home from the camp with her... to her house... adrian lives just down the road from her... so him and lorettas boyfriend came down... we hid inside for about 10 minutes... my stomach was in knots... i felt sick.... i was so nervous i didn;t know what to do or say... i was dressed to kill... i had a top on that showed more clevage than i was comfortable with... and my hair was done up by loretta... i felt and looked good! we went outside... if he had tried to talk to me i probably would have thrown up!
my life... (starting with adrian)
here ya go tim
ok my parents were away like i said... and loretta was over... she lives in cronulla... which is like 1 and 1/2 hours away from where i live... her mum wouldn;t take her so she had to catch the train... that meant going through redfern.... she was terrified... but anyways while she was here she called her boyfriend... they were talking for a while... then me and her went for a walk down the street to find a shop where we could buy a pack of ciggarettes... i was desperate... :) we met these 2 guys one was called colin and the other adam... we walked back up to my house with them and we sat out the front and smoked... i went inside because the phone was ringing i have a cordless so i brought it outside... and talked to my mum for a while... then i got off the phone to her and loretta called jade... her other best friend... then she got off the phone to jade and called adrian... ENTER THE JERK! me and him talked for a while... we became good friends... the next day loretta went home... she told me she would be staying at adrians house that night and to call her there... she gave me his number and left...
ok let me just start off that people... don;t be worried about me... i say a lot of my feeling in here.... but even though i mean everything i say i hate it when people worry or pitty me... and also if you wanna know what's going on in order... read my blogs from thebottom of the page up ok? now that we have that straight i have like a brother site sort of thing... he is an extremely close male friend and he is the only one of you MEN if i may call you that! who understands how women should properlly be treated! his addy is
on his request i am oging to now go over and review EVERYTHING that me and adrian did... leavin out the sexual details ofcourse... not even my best friend lortta knows about those... :) here goes... next blog coming up :)

Here goes
I am a dimwit!
I am in love with a jerk off!
Ok Ill start from the beginning but it is a long story (get ya popcorn Tim!)
It all started about 2 months ago... my parents went away for the weekend.... And my bro went... somewhere...not exactly in a caring mood for him at the Mo... I'll explain laterz...
So I had a friend over to stay.... She called her boyfriend (they broke up like 1 week ago to sad!!!!!! Because he only dumped her because she dogged giving him a blow job...?) {JERK!} Anyways enough about them more about me! Yay!
After she called her boyfriend she called her friend... Adrian¡K and I started talking to him... and pretty soon we started talking like every night... we supposedly fell in love before we even met! And I had this sneaking suspicion he was playing me... but I just pushed that to the back of my head... I was in love.... and my guy.... Was perfect!
So I thought...?
Then we met.... and we were going out for like 2 weeks... we kissed a lot... he was all over me and I loved it! We did a lot of things I wasn't proud of.... I was pretty dumb... but I wanted him to like me as much as I liked him so I didn't say "no" too much... (Getting this straight I am a virgin and I hope to be for at least another year.... hopefully till marriage... {Why does everyone laugh at me when I say this?})
Anyways about 2 weeks after we started going out he dumped me viciously¡K he said things like¡K I can¡¦t believe I stoped as low as to touch you! Or.... yuck you Ranga (Ranga means I have red hair,,,?) and fat yuck bitch....and just things like that... I collapsed in tears at the anger of my first loves words... I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.... and I had every intention of doing that!
I have a history... I am not the most stable person... I go into bouts of depression with no warning... I feel alone and unwanted and uncared for! The slightest thing can set me off.... But this?? I did back flips! I have had 3 trips to the hospital before that 2 for slashing my wrists and another to have my stomach pumped... to remove 35-40 deadly sleeping pills.... Let¡¦s just say I wasn¡¦t a happy camper
I took the knife from the drawer into my room... and pressed it against my skin... I could see my reflection in the knife and all I could see in my eyes was the hatred of my own flesh.... I wanted to die.... I sliced the knife across my wrist and blood ran freely down my arm.... I felt sweet relief in it... and I fainted... I awoke to a cold compress on my arm and an ambulance trip...
I am like good friends with him now.... But I still get my little bouts of depression... I now have a ton of friends on my side... and I love my life... I never want to hurt myself again... but that night I couldn¡¦t have stopped myself even if I wanted to...
OK! i am gonna type this up again!
here goes!! this is my second attempt!